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Жатва на педагогической ниве

Сегодня какой-то день жатвы)) В смысле, сеяла-сеяла несколько месяцев, а сегодня вдруг пожинаю.

Ученица меня сегодня порадовала обратной связью. Рассказала, что на курсах по финансовому английскому они составляли официальный документ по своей тематике. И преподаватель, получив ее письмо, поинтересовалась: «Вы где-то еще занимаетесь?». Уж  очень грамотно и логично все было составлено - с красивыми параграфами для разных мыслей.

Бальзам на мою израненую плохими текстами душу)) И подтверждение тому, что не зря я "мучаю" учеников работой над текстами и эссе.

Теперь рассказываю предысторию о том, как мы работаем над эссе, и объясняю, почему именно так.

Готовимся с девочкой к IELTS, приходится писать всяческие эссе. А по части writing я - монстр)) Давняя история, потом расскажу.


Первая версия эссе

Когда получила первое эссе, даже читать не стала, ибо невооруженным взглядом виден перебор по словам и слишком много параграфов. Слов - 500, в то время как есть четкое требование – 250 слов, можно ЧУТЬ больше. Отправила обратно с комментарием: количество слов - сократить, в надежде, что и параграфы придут в норму:

Let’s try to discuss the problem about increasing average weight of people and decreasing of health and fitness. 

First of all the cause of it is advertisings which influence on us to buy fast food, shows juicy pictures with excellent food, which is demonstrating fine taste, smelling fantastic. As a result we started to addict such kind of food like hamburger, It full  saturated fat, it can increase cholesterol level, soft drinks and sweets are high in sugar and can contribute to tooth decay. Ready-cooked meals recommended us like an easy decision of dinner, contain plenty of salt, it may our blood pressure and lead to certain illnesses.

Next problem, nowadays people very busy, can’t eat in proper time and make home-made food. It’s more easier to heat up a frozen meal or order a takeaway, they use it just fuel to keep them going through a day. People prefer to receive it quickly and whenever you want or need.

Certainly, when we are in stress or in depress, we started to eat (consume-may I use this word here?) a lot, picking chocolates, pastries, high-fat products, unused energy is stored as a fat and we’ll gain weight.

Also, fast food is cheaper then organic. Students, tourists, poor people don’t want to waste money and bother about fair meal. They necessary to meet needs in hungry.

All of mentioned above lead to the increasing of average weight of the people. I have to admit it’s a terrible picture, but we may try to solve it.

One of the way, to eat less, take in the right amount of energy, choose low-fat food, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes such as sources. It’s recommended to eat (use- may I use this word here?) more fruits, veggies, starchy foods should make up 1|3 of our diet, it’s provide vitamins, nutrients. Eat more fish against meat, this is an excellent source of protein and also try to eat at least five small portions a day.

Second probable decision, create more sport clubs, sport places in the yards, make them cheaper for young children and free for special levels of popularity. Involve teenagers to play games at the open areas, running, swimming if it possible. Essential to include physical exercises in schools and kindergardens. It’s necessary to explain that well health is a basis of future life without serious illnesses.

As for older people, it should be a modern trend, for example healthy people means successful person.

And finally, all of us try to do at least some of this recommendations, it will help to improve level of fitness and health.


Вторая версия

Получаю вторую версию. Со словами все в порядке, их уже не 500, а 265, но 10 параграфов как были, так и остались.

Let’s try to discuss the problem about increasing average weight of people and decreasing of health and fitness. 

First of all the cause of it is advertisings which influence on us to buy fast food, which full of saturated fat, high in sugar, and contain plenty of salt. All of it can contribute to certain illnesses.

Nowadays people very busy, can’t eat in proper time and make home-made food. It’s easier to heat up a frozen meal or order a takeaway.

Certainly, when we are in stress or in depress, we started to eat a lot, picking chocolates, pastries, high-fat products, unused energy is stored as a fat and we’ll gain weight.

Also, fast food is cheaper then organic. Students, for example don’t want to waste money.

All of mentioned above lead to overweight. I have to admit it’s a terrible picture, but it may be solved.

One of the way, to eat less, choose low-fat products, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes. It’s recommended to use more fruits, veggies, starchy foods. Eat more fish against meat, try to have five small portions a day.

Second decision, create more sport clubs, make them cheaper for young children. Involve teenagers to play at the open areas, include physical exercises in schools. It’s necessary to explain that well health is a basis of future life without serious illnesses.

As for older people, it should be a modern trend, for example healthy people means successful person.

And finally, all of us try to do at least some of this recommendations, it will help to improve our health.


Тоже читать не стала. Я же не только безжалостный препод, я еще и человек. И любые тексты, эссе и письма моих учеников воспринимаю в первую очередь с точки зрения читателя. Хочется ли мне прочитать этот текст? Легко ли его читать или приходится мучительно продираться сквозь дебри плохо организованных мыслей? И если этот первый тест пройден, начинаю проверять письменные работы и эссе как преподаватель, поправив очки и вооружившись красной ручкой.


В тексте главное - читатель

Ровно те же вопросы нужно задавать себе при написании ЛЮБОГО текста, не только IELTS essay. Какой бы текст или письмо вы ни писали:

  • эссе
  • запрос информации
  • письмо-жалобу
  • информационную листовку
  • благодарственное письмо и так далее

...первым делом нужно подумать о читателе:
  • кто мой читатель
  • интересно ли ему будет читать
  • легко ли
  • понятно ли
  • достигнет ли мой текст своей цели
И исходя из этого выбирать:
  • стиль изложения (деловой, официальный, неформальный)
  • структуру и организацию текста
  • языковые и стилистические средства (где-то уместны риторические вопросы; где-то - сильные, эмоциональные прилагательнные; а где-то - сухое изложение фактов)
  • лексику (официальные, нейтральные или разговорные слова)

Если текст написан красиво, связно и логично, его легко читать, легко следить за мыслью, и наши шансы получить желаемое от получателя растут. Чем бы это желаемое ни было: информация, финансовая компенсация, отпуск, хороший балл на экзамене.

Конкретно о международных экзаменах по английскому, в том числе IELTS: effect on the reader– один из первейших и важнейших критериев оценки. Собственно, все остальное (грамматические конструкции, лексика, средства связности текста, логичность и убедительность аргументов) работает на тот самый эффект.


Третья версия эссе

Так вот, в третий раз забросил старик невод получаю эссе. Теперь все хорошо и с параграфами.

I want to discuss the problem about increasing average weight of people and decreasing of health and fitness.  It’s a terrible picture which badly affect on our life.

First of all the people very busy, can’t eat in proper time and make home-made food. It’s easier to heat up a frozen meal or order a takeaway. This way promotes widely by advertisings influence on us to buy fast food, which full of saturated fat, high in sugar, and contain plenty of salt. All of it can contribute to certain illnesses. Certainly, when we are in stress or in depress, we started to eat a lot, picking chocolates, pastries, high-fat products, unused energy is stored as a fat and we’ll gain weight. Also, such food is cheaper then organic. Students, for example don’t want to waste money. All of it lead to overweight, but problem may be solved.

One of the way, to eat less, choose low-fat products, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes. It’s recommended to use more fruits, veggies, starchy foods. Eat more fish against meat, try to have five small portions a day. As for activity, it necessary to create more sport clubs, make them cheaper for young children. Involve teenagers to play at the open areas, include physical exercises in schools. For older people, it should be a modern trend, for example healthy people means successful person.

And finally, essential to explain that well health is a basis of future life without serious illnesses. All of us try to do at least some of this recommendations, it will help to improve our health.


Стиль

Теперь пора идти вглубь и работать над стилем и организацией. Отправляю комментарии о несоответствии эссе требованиям академического письма.


 Student's essay
Teacher's comments
Intro

I want to discuss the problem about increasing average weight of people and decreasing of health and fitness.  It’s a terrible picture which badly affect on our life.

We try to avoid using ‘I’ in academic writing

Also, do not repeat words/phrases from the task, rephrase them
Causes

First of all the people very busy, can’t eat in proper time and make home-made food. It’s easier to heat up a frozen meal or order a takeaway. This way promotes widely by advertisings influence on us to buy fast food, which full of saturated fat, high in sugar, and contain plenty of salt. All of it can contribute to certain illnesses. Certainly, when we are in stress or in depress, we started to eat a lot, picking chocolates, pastries, high-fat products, unused energy is stored as a fat and we’ll gain weight. Also, such food is cheaper then organic. Students, for example don’t want to waste money. All of it lead to overweight, but problem may be solved.

This paragraph is about the causes, so make it clear from the very beginning. This will help your reader and also organize your essay

You could also make a clearer distinction between different reasons and use introductory phrases like ‘another reason why … is that …’
Solutions

One of the way, to eat less, choose low-fat products, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes. It’s recommended to use more fruits, veggies, starchy foods. Eat more fish against meat, try to have five small portions a day. As for activity, it necessary to create more sport clubs, make them cheaper for young children. Involve teenagers to play at the open areas, include physical exercises in schools. For older people, it should be a modern trend, for example healthy people means successful person.

Again, indicate clearly what you’re going to talk about (measures/solutions), and use an introductory phrase

Also, some of your recommendations sound like they are taken from an official paper (‘it is recommended’), and others sound like direct instructions, which is more appropriate for magazine articles giving advice (‘eat more fish’)
Conclusion    

And finally, essential to explain that well health is a basis of future life without serious illnesses. All of us try to do at least some of this recommendations, it will help to improve our health.

‘finally’ sounds like you’re introducing another solution or argument, while this is supposed to be a conclusion where you summarize everything you’ve said. And that’s what you do further on, but the inappropriate introductory phrase confuses the reader



Тут же предлагаю несколько общих фраз к использованию, прошу переписать, готовлюсь к праведному гневу.


Четвертая версия

Ну и вот, последняя, четвертая версия. Найдите отличия последней версии от первой:


Первая версия
Последняя версия
Let’s try to discuss the problem about increasing average weight of people and decreasing of health and fitness. 

It is true to say that average weight of people is increasing and has become a cause for concern.  It’s a terrible picture which badly affects on our life.

First of all the cause of it is advertisings which influence on us to buy fast food, shows juicy pictures with excellent food, which is demonstrating fine taste, smelling fantastic. As a result we started to addict such kind of food like hamburger, It full  saturated fat, it can increase cholesterol level, soft drinks and sweets are high in sugar and can contribute to tooth decay. Ready-cooked meals recommended us like an easy decision of dinner, contain plenty of salt, it may our blood pressure and lead to certain illnesses.

First of all it’s caused by that people very busy, can’t eat in proper time, make home-made food, buy frozen meal or order a takeaway. This way promotes widely by advertisings influence on us to prefer fast food, which full of saturated fat, high in sugar, and plenty of salt. This leads to certain illnesses. Another reason why the weight is rising is because we are in stress or in depression. We started to eat a lot chocolates, pastries, high-fat products. This, in turn, leads to store unused energy as a fat. Also such food is cheaper then organic. Students, for example don’t want to waste money but it leads to overweight. However the problem may be solved.

Next problem, nowadays people very busy, can’t eat in proper time and make home-made food. It’s more easier to heat up a frozen meal or order a takeaway, they use it just fuel to keep them going through a day. People prefer to receive it quickly and whenever you want or need.
Certainly, when we are in stress or in depress, we started to eat (consume-may I use this word here?) a lot, picking chocolates, pastries, high-fat products, unused energy is stored as a fat and we’ll gain weight.

What is needed to solve these problems is definite actions: to eat less, choose low-fat products, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes. Other measures could include more fruits, veggies, starchy foods, eat more fish against meat, try to have five small portions a day. As for activity, it necessary to create more sport clubs, make them cheaper for young children. Involve teenagers to play at the open areas, include physical exercises in schools. For older people it should be encouraged to healthy life.

Also, fast food is cheaper then organic. Students, tourists, poor people don’t want to waste money and bother about fair meal. They necessary to meet needs in hungry.

Such measures will  help to improve our health.

All of mentioned above lead to the increasing of average weight of the people. I have to admit it’s a terrible picture, but we may try to solve it.

One of the way, to eat less, take in the right amount of energy, choose low-fat food, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes such as sources. It’s recommended to eat (use- may I use this word here?) more fruits, veggies, starchy foods should make up 1|3 of our diet, it’s provide vitamins, nutrients. Eat more fish against meat, this is an excellent source of protein and also try to eat at least five small portions a day.

Second probable decision, create more sport clubs, sport places in the yards, make them cheaper for young children and free for special levels of popularity. Involve teenagers to play games at the open areas, running, swimming if it possible. Essential to include physical exercises in schools and kindergardens. It’s necessary to explain that well health is a basis of future life without serious illnesses.

As for older people, it should be a modern trend, for example healthy people means successful person.

And finally, all of us try to do at least some of this recommendations, it will help to improve level of fitness and health.

 



Четвертая версия оказывается совсем не плоха. Ко всем прочим улучшениям в ней теперь проглядывают элементы академического стиля.

Только теперь предстоит еще и пятая версия)) Поработаем над связностью текста, коей пока еще не хватает; лексикой – будем искать более продвинутые слова, соответствующие уровню IELTS; причешем грамматику, напишем более адекватное заключение.


Финальная версия

Эту версию написала я по мотивам эссе ученицы и отправила ей с заданием найти отличия и объяснить, почему финальная версия получит более высокий балл на экзамене (помимо отсутствия ошибок)):


Student's version
Student's version, improved

It is true to say that average weight of people is increasing and has become a cause for concern.  It’s a terrible picture which badly affects on our life.

People all over the world are becoming more and more overweight, while at the same time their lifestyles are getting more passive. This is a worrying trend, since it results in severe health problems and lower quality of life.
First of all it’s caused by that people very busy, can’t eat in proper time, make home-made food, buy frozen meal or order a takeaway. This way promotes widely by advertisings influence on us to prefer fast food, which full of saturated fat, high in sugar, and plenty of salt. This leads to certain illnesses. Another reason why the weight is rising is because we are in stress or in depression. We started to eat a lot chocolates, pastries, high-fat products. This, in turn, leads to store unused energy as a fat. Also such food is cheaper then organic. Students, for example don’t want to waste money but it leads to overweight. However the problem may be solved.The lifestyle changes and the decline in fitness levels we are witnessing today could be caused by a number of reasons. First of all, people today are extremely busy, which means living on fast-food, ready-prepared meals and take-outs full of unhealthy ingredients. These convenience foods are cheaper and more available than fresh fruit and vegetables.
 Another important factor that contributes to obesity and low levels of activity is the spread of labor-saving technologies. People no longer have to work physically; various appliances are doing household chores for them. Entertainment, such as TV, computer and the Internet, is also available at home, so there is no need to go out and be active.
What is needed to solve these problems is definite actions: to eat less, choose low-fat products, never skip a breakfast, avoid processed dishes. Other measures could include more fruits, veggies, starchy foods, eat more fish against meat, try to have five small portions a day. As for activity, it necessary to create more sport clubs, make them cheaper for young children. Involve teenagers to play at the open areas, include physical exercises in schools. For older people it should be encouraged to healthy life.What is needed to improve the situation is definite action. Balanced diets and physical activity should be encouraged and promoted by means of mass-media campaigns explaining the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. Other measures could include creating affordable sports facilities in cities, for example, tennis courts, swimming pools or gyms.
 Another obvious solution is to support farmers producing high-quality organic food and offer lower taxes to retailers.

Such measures will  help to improve our health.

To summarize, I believe that the effects of bad nutrition and lack of activity are too serious to ignore. Some measures have to be taken soon, otherwise people’s health and even life will be at great risk.(255)



Зачем столько этапов?

Зачем столько этапов и нельзя ли просто исправить ошибки ученика?

Нельзя. Просто потому, что после исправлений учителя в голове ученика ничегошеньки не остается. А если ученик на собственной шкуре испытает все прелести работы над качественным текстом, он чему-то научится.

Кроме того, текст - это не только грамматика и слова. И исправлять только грамматические и лексические ошибки - халтура со стороны преподавателя.

И потом - следующее эссе уже с первой попытки получается более качественным. И большинство этих этапов можно проскочить.


Подробнее о том, как написать грамотный и красивый текст на английском с использованием средств связности текста.

О том, откуда брать идеи для эссе IELTS и как развивать навыки спонтанного мышления.

И о том, как улучшить свой балл за IELTS всего за одну неделю.

Автор: Дарья Масловская

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